IS THIS IT?

How do you move on from past misfortunes when it pops up at unexpected times?
How do you deal with reality, when against you people have committed atrocious crimes?

Do you forgive, forget and move on with your life?
Or do you face the issues, consequences no matter the price.

How do you live when all you want is love, compassion, honesty?
But instead, is being hurt, compromised, and made to feel filthy.

Is it me, my actions, my personality, that brings this out...I'm confused?
Despite all else I try to give honesty, passion, but still end up used and abused.

I know that I am partially to blame for some of my mishaps,
Wrong choices, loneliness, desperation perhaps.

Emotions I try to keep at bay as best as I can,
By not dealing with them, not facing them, until I come up with that perfect plan.

Putting them in a box, in a closet, on the top shelf, way to the back,
But I guess that closet has become over-filled, everything spilling out,all on the rack.

What was hidden is now visible on my face,
In my demeanor, my attitude, I no longer portray that subtle grace.

Words are harsher, persona harder, heart ice cold, eyes lifeless,
Not trusting, not believing, not accepting that despite all, my life is priceless.

That in itself is another issue God has decided to test me with,
Making it painful, unbearable, fearful of physical interaction in case I get hit.

Daily activities I once took joy in completing, even when complaining,
Has now become a task, a struggle, a fight...there's pain, Lord too much pain.

I question if He hears me, if He loves me, is this punishment for sins in the past?
If he wants my humility...if it's just a phase? How long can I endure, how long will it last?

Not able to verbally express.......Mental stability.....hmmmnnn...question???
Emotional meltdown, physical breakdown...no longer living my life with that passion.

God please hear my cry. I'm asking...begging.....to just let it end,
I have transgressed, this I know...or just give me the strength to re-start, to mend.

I know you never give your children more than they can bear,
But I am toeing the line..of my own thoughts, I have this great fear.

So much have been forcefully taken away, have been lost...torn away from my me,
I know this is not the way it's supposed to be, I want back my life...I want to hold on, can't you see?